Decided

So, recently I was thinking about a comment on a discussion board I frequent. This woman was talking about her decision to have only one child, and her point was, essentially, that, yeah, two kids might be ideal… but life isn’t ideal. You make choices, resources are finite, and there are always trade-offs. I ruminated on this for a while, and it occurred to me that this is a totally valid (and pretty accurate, for me) way of thinking about the question of having kids at all–because, you know, I like kids, and if things were different, I might want one or more.

However, the way my life has shaken out, I’d really have to make having a child an immediate priority in order for it to be workable, and I’m just not willing to do that now. I’m almost 35, I’m just finishing a degree and starting a new career, I’m in a relationship that I really enjoy with someone who does not want children that may or may not be permanent, etc. I could, if I wanted to make having a child my #1 priority, probably find a way to make that work, even though it would be very difficult. But I don’t want to do that.

I want to focus on my new career. I want to take my time seeing if my relationship with M can work long-term. I want to undo some of the financial ruin I’ve brought upon myself. I want to travel. If things were different, if I was in my 20s, if I was married, if M wanted kids, if I was established in my career, if I had a million dollars, maybe I would feel differently. But none of those things are true.

My decision to prioritize my career and my other wants and needs means having kids is almost certainly off the table. I definitely wouldn’t want to have a child in the next 2-3 years, and, given my age and unwillingness to be a first-time parent at 40, that pretty much closes the deal.

And you know what? That’s okay. Because the life that I have now is different than the one I anticipated, but I like it. I have opportunities that I may not have had otherwise. I can either be happy with what I have and make the most of it, or I can spend my time and energy focusing on what I’m missing out on. And I’d miss out on something regardless, because the reality is I can’t have everything, nice as that might be.

I’m an aunt, biologically and via chosen family, to three lovely boys, and I’ll probably have more nieces and nephews. I have a cat who I love, and a terrific boyfriend, and the ability to play with babies/kids when I chose to, and go out on the town when I chose to do that. This is perhaps not the best of all possible worlds, but it’s really very good.

So I think I’ve closed this door for good now. I keep revisiting the thought, and while on one level it’s a bit sad– I mean, I’d probably be a pretty good parent, and I do like kids– on another level it’s kind of nice to be able to say “nope, that decision is made, I don’t need to worry about it any more”.

Decided.