So, last night there was a small gathering at M’s place. The social part itself was enjoyable, so all’s well there.
However, M, in a slightly discombobulating flash of perceptiveness, directly called me on one of my most evasive and ingrained habits: ‘earning’ affection/social inclusion with ingratiation.
It’s a potentially unhealthy habit, something that starts out well-meaning and goes too far. Generosity is valued, but ingratiation is annoying, not to mention corrosive to the self-esteem and self-interest of the giver. Who is not, in fact, a giver, since the unspoken expectation is that the receiver will respond by bestowing favor in some way.
It’s sneaky and can create a horrible, soul-sucking morass of expectations and disappointments on both sides. It was absolutely a significant factor in the disintegration of my last relationship.
The thing for me, at least, is that I always start out meaning well– wanting to save someone trouble, or time, or whatever. And I’d like to think that the fact that if you’re important to someone I love then you’re important to me is a good thing, indicative of… I don’t know, generosity of affection, or something. But somehow things get fuzzy, and I often lose the ability to discern where the line is between ‘generous’ and ‘ingratiating’ before I’ve crossed over.
I’m glad M called me on this, I am… but I’m frustrated that I clearly still need keep tabs on myself, even after the time (and therapy!) I’ve put in. And I’m glad he’s perceptive enough to notice and say something. But I wish I could remember that affection is a gift, not a commodity. And I wish I could consistently and genuinely believe that it’s a gift I deserve, rather than something I need to earn.
